"So how many of you think that we would all be better off without Anger?"
This is the question I asked a group of about 30 12 year-olds at Kedgley Intermediate School in Papatoetoe last week in an 'anger management' class. About half the group raised their hands.
I asked what was it they didn't like about anger, and I got these answers:
"You could hurt someone."
"You could kill someone."
"It hurts people's feelings."
"It gets you in trouble"
I asked the other half of the class what is was that they liked about anger and got these answers:
"You can protect yourself if someone is bullying you."
"You can get revenge."
"You feel powerful."
According to recent Harvard University Study, recently mentioned in an article in the New Zealand Herald showing your anger is key to a successful work and home life. The Harvard study of Adult Development found that those who repress their anger are three or more times more likely to report they have disappointing personal and career lives. Those who express their anger in a constructive way were more likely to enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with their loved ones as well as to be more well-established professionally.
For 44 years, the Harvard study has tracked 824 women and men. Harvard Medical School Professor and Psychiatrist George Vaillant has headed the study himself since 1965.
Professor Vaillant believes that 'positive thinking' when it's to the point of denial of our healthy anger can be quite damaging. So-called negative emotions such as fear and anger are actually crucial for our survival and are inborn protectors.
Certainly uncontrolled anger is destructive, but Vaillant believes that learning the skill of channelling our anger serves a vital role in our health and well-being. A study recently published in the Journal of Social Behaviour and Personality reports that over 55 percent of people believe an episode of anger produced a positive outcome and nearly one third said the angry episode assisted them in seeing their own faults.
So, what anger management techniques do we need to learn to channel our anger in a healthy way?
I'm reminded of the term 'Emotional Intelligence' which was made popular by
Daniel Goleman in his book with that title.
In 2008, I created and ran a workshop in Auckland and Christchurch called 'Interpersonal Excellence' with Jaki George-Tunnecliffe of Fusion Interactive Training.
In that workshop, we emphasized what we consider the critical foundational skill of all
healthy emotional expression: Self-Awareness. This self-awareness of your feelings and sensations and a vocabulary has historically not been considered top priority in our education, neither at home and school.
Things are changing however.
Today, I had the privilege of teaching a conflict resolution class at Papatoetoe North School to 30 9-year olds. This is becoming more and more common as a subject in public schools where values education is getting a bit more attention lately.
I had been barraged by children complaining about teasing and bullying and hurt feelings and theft of pens and pencils for about an hour when I said,
"Stop! Remember, under every hurt feeling, there is always something you need and are not getting. The question to ask yourself is 'what do I need? What does the other person need? Is there a way we can both get what we want with still respecting the other?' “
Once the children were able to identify what it is they needed or wanted and were able to ask for it, the conflict or the tears subsided.
Some of the complaints I heard through tears were,
"He called me fat."
"She called me stupid."
"He pushed me."
"She stood on my toe."
"He took my pen."
"She drank my whole juicee – I told her she could only have a sip."
"She's not allowed to take the teacher's tape!"
"He's reading with the wrong group."
"She got to go first last time – It’s my turn."
"They won't let me play with them."
When there are 30 or more children to one teacher, it's difficult to address everyone's feelings and needs adequately. But, when I did manage to talk one on one to a child to ask them what they wanted, the answer was often one word: "Respect" or "Kindness" or 'Belonging'. I don't think these needs change much for us as adults as we grow up!
Hmmm…just had the idea – what if we start a 'national emotional intelligence' week…OR…perhaps a 'national conscious communication week' here in New Zealand?
There is a HUGE need in our schools to teach this to our children.
A magazine in Berkeley, California, 'Greater Good'is aiming to spread the word about the latest scientific research into the roots of altruism and compassion. It contains articles on conflict resolution, social-emotional learning, parenting, couples communication, and compassion research.
I intend to continue to research and comment on topics along these lines, so if you’re interested in joining me in an ongoing conversation, just subscribe to my newsletter and article updates at sallymabelle.com.
I'd love to hear your 'real life' stories re: conflict resolution, channeling anger positively, and emotional intelligence education in our schools.
Watch this space!
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