Would you like to improve your emotional well-being?
Would you like to feel a sense of mastery in the way you handle your emotions?
Let's look at the importance of developing your emotional intelligence.
I recently had the privilege of working with a few schools in Auckland which are focusing on developing their students’ emotional literacy.
In one class, I had an interesting conversation that went like this:
"So how many of you think that we would all be better off without Anger?"
This is the question I asked a group of about 30 12 year-olds at Kedgley Intermediate School in an 'anger management' class.
About half the group raised their hands.
I asked what was it they didn't like about anger, and I got these answers:
"You could hurt someone."
"You could kill someone."
"It hurts people's feelings."
"It gets you in trouble"
I asked the other half of the class what is was that they liked about anger and got these answers:
"You can protect yourself if someone is bullying you."
"You can get revenge."
"You feel powerful."
According to a recent Harvard University study, mentioned in an article in the New Zealand Herald , showing your anger is key to a successful work and home life. The Harvard study of Adult Development found that those who repress their anger are three or more times more likely to report having disappointing personal and career lives. Those who express their anger in a constructive way were more likely to enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with their loved ones as well as to be more well-established professionally.
For 44 years, the Harvard study has tracked 824 women and men. Harvard Medical School Professor and Psychiatrist George Vaillant has headed the study himself since 1965.
Professor Vaillant believes that 'positive thinking' when it's to the point of denial of our healthy anger can be quite damaging. So-called negative emotions such as fear and anger are actually crucial for our survival and are inborn protectors.
Certainly uncontrolled anger is destructive, but Vaillant believes that learning the skill of channelling our anger serves a vital role in our health and well-being. A study recently published in the Journal of Social Behaviour and Personality reports that over 55 percent of people believe an episode of anger produced a positive outcome and nearly one third said the angry episode assisted them in seeing their own faults.
One foundational skill for learning to express your anger in a healthy way is Self-Awareness of your feelings and needs.This awareness, however, has historically not been considered top priority in our education, neither at home and school.
Things are changing however.
Let’s take the example of a conflict resolution class I taught to 30 9-year olds at Papatoetoe North School, a primary or elementary school in Auckland.
Some of the initial complaints I was hearing from the class were the following:
"He called me fat."
"She called me stupid."
"He pushed me."
"She stood on my toe."
"He took my pen."
"She drank my whole juicee – I told her she could only have a sip."
"She's not allowed to take the teacher's tape!"
"He's reading with the wrong group."
"She got to go first last time – It’s my turn."
"They won't let me play with them."
I kept reminding them that under every hurt feeling, there is always something they are needing and are not getting.
The question to ask yourself is 'what do I need? What does the other person need? Is there a way we can find a way to both get what we need here?' “
Once the children were able to identify what it is they were needing or wanting and were able to ask for what they needed and received it, the conflict or the tears subsided.
When there are 30 or more children to one teacher, it's difficult to address everyone's feelings and needs adequately. But, when I did manage to talk one on one to some children to ask them what they wanted, the answer was often one word: "Respect" or "Kindness" or 'Belonging'. I don't think these needs change much for us as adults as we grow up!
Speaking of kindness and belonging, The ‘Greater Good Center’ in Berkeley, California, 'Greater Good', is spreading the word about the latest scientific research into the roots of compassion.
It contains articles on conflict resolution, social-emotional learning, parenting, couples communication, and compassion research. I recommend signing up for their monthly newsletter, which is packed with great ideas to boost your emotional intelligence.
Another Auckland class which is working to develop emotional intelligence in children is Room 3 in Reremoana school. It was inspiring to see that their regular teacher started every day with what she called a ‘feelings circle’ in which each child shared how they were feeling that day. One boy named Sheridan shared, 'I feel happy because my fish had twenty-two babies' then followed with 'but I feel sad because they might die now that winter is coming'. One girl named Victoria shared, 'I feel happy because my tooth is loose'. (Later that day, the tooth actually fell out and became a huge celebration in the class! Another girl, Tina, also had a tooth fall out about an hour later!)
Teeth falling out is BIG excitement around age 6 or 7 :-)
Another girl shared, 'I feel sad because my brother is sick today'
and another boy shared, 'I feel happy because Luke is coming to play at my house today and Taine is coming over to play tomorrow!'
Feelings were mostly happy with a few sad and angry sprinkled in.
To make emotional intelligence easy to grasp for you or your children, it’s helpful to think of your feelings as falling into 5 basic categories:
Mad
Sad
Glad
Bad
or
Afraid
Under every feeling is a need, and again, I think you’ll find it helpful to consider these basic categories of needs: The following list of needs was inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s Needs Inventory list in his book ‘Non Violent Communication’.
You have Physical Needs such as safety, air, food, exercise, touch, water, rest, etc.
You have Autonomy needs such as– the need to choose what you want to do with your time, to pursuit your goals and dreams
You have Integrity needs: the need for self-worth, authenticity, living by your own values, a sense of meaning and purpose
You have Interdependence needs: appreciation, acknowledgement, community, consideration, respect, trust, and mutuality (which is the need to feel that a relationship is reciprocal in terms of both people being interested in each other)
You have the need for Play: fun and laughter
You have the need for Celebration: acknowledging your own and other’s achievements and mourning your own and other’s losses
and last but not least, you have Spiritual needs : order, peace, beauty, harmony, inspiration
So the next time you’re aware of a feeling of anger, what will you do?....Ask yourself ‘What am I needing right now?’ By answering that question, you’ll be able to ask for what you want directly and get your needs met in a healthy way.
I’d love to hear how this process works for you - I wish you well in developing your own emotional intelligence and helping to spread this critical skill to those around you.
Sally Mabelle c. 2009 - if you want to publish or print this article, please contact Sally for permission and include the following acknowledgement and link to my website:
by Sally Mabelle, The Voice of Leadership Specialist:inspiring clear, confident, and connected communication. www.sallymabelle.com
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