But we can be the ones to change the pattern of generations. We can take responsibility now to find more effective ways to connect with one another, to say what we need to say, to listen to one another, so we can fulfill our own needs as well as assisting others to fulfill their needs. Lack of education and modeling in positive communication is obviously a worldwide problem as we witness all of the arguments in all forms of relationships: personal, family, political, and business relationships. We can see overt examples of this communication problem in legal battles, wars, school fights, street gangs, etc. We are also aware there are underlying issues and acknowledge the repressed feelings and unexpressed resentments, which can take on the form of other disease, be it emotional and/or physical.
As we evolve in consciousness, we are seeking new and better ways to resolve conflicts, share, and connect with one another. Ideally, we can learn to become more aware of our feelings and needs, and to express those directly whenever possible, so that people don't need to guess, or wrongly assume, what it is we're feeling and needing when we communicate.
Looking at the facts… the prevalence of domestic violence, child abuse, drug abuse, depression, divorce, alcoholism, suicide, murder, and on a larger social scale, WAR… we can say without a doubt that we have an urgent situation on our hands with many people in the world feeling disconnected.
We are all called to improve our ability to communicate with one another, to express our feelings, hear others' feelings, improve our ability to meet all our needs and to connect.
Here is a simple yet profound five-step process, which will increase your capacity to speak, so others will listen, and to listen so others feel heard. This process will help you meet your need for real connection.
To remember this process, here's a mnemonic or memory-enhancing phrase, which you can use:
Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule! - BFWRR – Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule!
This simple phrase will help you remember a way to speak up assertively, listen empathetically, and dialogue with yourself compassionately.
Step 1: stands for Behaviour
Step 2: Feelings

Step 3: Wants
Step 4: Request
Step 5: Result
BFWRR or Beware or Feelings will Really Rule
Let's take a common example of when disconnection and stress may happen in a relationship. For instance, have you ever been trying to get something done, and someone is interrupting you over and over again?... Let's use this example to demonstrate how to work with the process.
Step 1:
B - The first step is to notice the Behaviour that is triggering an uncomfortable feeling inside you. Share your observation about that behaviour, with the other person. It's an objective statement that is factual – no evaluation or interpretation added.
"I notice that you've asked me several questions over the past few minutes"
Step 2:
F - Express the Feeling that is triggered in you in response to that behaviour:
"When you are asking me the question, I feel irritated" (notice, no blame… just owning the feelings that are triggered)
Step 3:
W - State your Want
"I'm really wanting to get this report done as my deadline is tonight, and I'm also wanting to help you out with what you need."
Step 4:
R - Make a specific Request
"Will you sit down with me tonight after dinner to discuss your questions then?"
Step 5:
R - Communicate the positive Result you anticipate if the person grants your request.
"I think we'll both be happier because I can then give you my undivided attention and I'll finished my report then."
By using this process, you are more apt to get a positive response and get your needs met than if you either
a… blew up at the person in frustration or
b… held in your anger and felt resentful
I trust that you will be able to begin practicing this process immediately, and to start seeing the positive results in your life, and relationships. It's people like you, who will begin to transform our world, one conversation at a time.
Sally Mabelle c. 2009 - if you want to publish or print this article, please contact Sally for permission and include the following acknowledgement and link to my website:
by Sally Mabelle, The Voice of Leadership Specialist:inspiring clear, confident, and connected communication. www.sallymabelle.com
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