How much of your authentic self do you share with the world?
What stops you from expressing yourself fully?
I’d like to invite you to look at what stops you from confidently expressing yourself and what holding your full self back is costing you. I also aim to inspire you to find your courage to commit to expressing your authentic voice and authentic leadership more and more.
I believe there's one major emotion that blocks you from being all that you can be. That emotion is SHAME.
When was the first time someone put you down?
I first remember being shamed when I was about five and in kindergarten. I was on the teeter totter (the name for a seesaw in the USA) pushing up and down with my friend. We were passing a rubber ball back and forth on the seesaw and bouncing each other up in the air, and laughing. I was enjoying myself so much and laughing so hard, I wet my pants. Right away, the other children started to notice the puddle on the floor and the class bully, Chris West, started teasing,
"Sally wet her pants...Sally wet her pants..." By this time, a circle of children had gathered around me, and I was now standing frozen, like a scared deer in headlights. The teacher came over and snapped, "What's going on here?" in
a scolding type of voice. Chris volunteered proudly, "Sally wet her pants".
"No I did't", I defended weakly, with the evidence in a puddle by my feet. The teacher grabbed my arm and marched me to the toilet, hissing in my ear, "You should be ashamed of yourself!" She gave me some sort of diaper pant to put on, and I never wanted to come out and face the world again. I snuck out of the toilet and made a beeline for my seat, hiding my face in my arms so no one could see me.
And what did I learn that day? That it is dangerous to be BIG and BOLD and to fully express myself - I would be publicly humiliated...It’s not safe to let go and be me.
Were you ever publicly humiliated?
I tell you my story to perhaps get you to think about what past experiences might still be lingering for you in terms of blocking your full self-expression.
Did anyone ever tell you directly or insinuate that you 'weren't good enough'?
When I was 26, I’d quit my corporate job and was going to be an actress and singer while I was still young enough to do it. I hadn't had the courage in high school or university to be on stage, so I decided now was the time.
One of the first classes I took was a musical theatre audition class and I was so excited learning how to sing broadway songs, I wanted to show off the first song I'd learned. I went home and said to my father, 'Listen to this, Dad...' and sang the song ‘SMILE’. I sang it full out with a lot of passion. I felt so happy, and after I'd finished, do you know what he said?
“Not bad, Sal...but it was flat everytime you sang the word 'Smile'.
I felt totally deflated.
I thought ‘I’ll never be good enough - I’ll always be flat'.
And do you know what? I actually went on to become a a voice coach helping others to feel confident in singing and speaking. I began doing this the year after Dad died. I wish he could see me now :-).
I’m sure you have your own stories. These childhood beliefs about not being 'safe' to express yourself or being 'good enough' to express your full passion, can stay with you unless you learn to face those beliefs and stand up to them and question them.
Recently,I had the opportunity to stand up for myself when I went back to the states to visit my family and went shopping with mom.
As I was looking at a rack of pants, she said to me “Oh Sally – you shouldn’t wear pants with that bottom of yours – you know you look terrible in pants. I took a breath and said, 'Mom, I like myself in pants', and continued to stubbornly look at the pants, even though I still felt the blow.
Later, in the dressing room, she added,
‘That new partner of yours is a personal trainer, isn't he? – can’t he DO something about ‘that middle’ of yours? Again, I took a breath and recovered from the second blow. Another blow came when I was getting changed in the dressing room, she added,
“Honey, aren’t you uncomfortable when you run?..Have you ever considered breast reduction surgery?"
This was it...I could take no more. I felt shocked and stunned – and went into momentary childlike shame of the little girl, THEN ..all my years of training kicked in…
I stopped and paused and I gathered the courage to speak up.
“Mom, when you made those comments about my body, I felt really hurt. I really want to be appreciated just as I am. Please NEVER say those things to me again.
And guess what?
My Mom just listened and said snappily, "Ok, I’ll never mention it again."
I felt this was a big triumph for me - I had defended my self-respect and restored my integrity. I actually voiced myself and stood up for myself and
I was cheering inside. I never got an apology or empathetic comment from Mom as I would have liked, yet it didn't matter. People may not respond as you want them to, but you can still have your dignity and integrity which is worth much more than their approval.
So, I encourage you to look any shame you have left inside in the face. Accept and love yourself as you are and stand up for yourself in the face of judgement - be it your own or another's.
Living true to your authentic self requires courage and resilience. Yet,failing to express yourself can have a huge cost. Are you living a less than fulfilled life? hiding, holding back,a bit flat or depressed, or stressed or anxious? These are all signs you may not be expressing your true self. In your current work environment, are you surrounded by others who are filled with passion and excitement, respect, self-awareness and positivity? Chances are you're not. If you are, congratulations for creating such a situation.
It's a known fact that with greater authenticity comes greater levels of happiness, energy, self-confidence,self-worth. In terms of your life, it's clearly critical to success. In terms of your business, it's critical as well. High motivation, energy, clarity, open communication and trusting relationships are all foundations for productivity and business success.
So, I challenge you to commit to yourself right NOW to begin expressing your authentic self more and more, to commit to getting to the place of feeling comfortable in your own skin.
Here's to you giving the best gift you could give to yourself and everyone else around you - your greatest contribution - the true gift of the real YOU to the world!
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