I have.
I remember when I was eight years old saying 'I hate you' to my mom and having her grabbing me by the arm and marching me over to the sink and holding down my head while she squirted dish soap into my mouth.
My mother used to say,
"If you can’t say something nice….don’t say anything at all."
OR if you don't like something, you should not admit it but be polite instead and say 'that's interesting'.
Have you ever held your tongue for fear of the consequences of speaking up?
OR have you ever overreacted then later regretted it?
When we grew up, most of us learned to express our feelings and deal with conflict in unhealthy, indirect ways.
I learned early on that if I didn't want to get threatened with "the belt" or get my mouth washed out with soap, I had better hold in my anger or express it in less direct ways – I learned to be sneaky.
Once, when I was mad at my mother, I hid her favourite necklace in a small pink and white striped porcelain jar in our bathroom. When I heard her yell, "Where’s my necklace!" I secretly gloated.
Later, when she was nice to me again, I put it back.
So how do you deal with conflict and express your feelings?
What's the big deal anyway?
So you might be a bit indirect - So what's the big deal?
The big deal is that there's a huge, heavy cost to our unskilled ways of dealing with conflict and our indirect ways of communicating.
When we're either dishonest or overeactive,
we undermine our own integrity.
We undermine trust in ourselves,
and we undermine trust in our relationships
Bestselling author Stephen Covey, in his book 'The 8th Habit' , cites
recent Harris Poll of 23,000 employees, which found that only 15% of employees felt they worked in a high-trust environment and only 17% felt their organisation supported open communication.
The bottom line is that we have a worldwide epidemic of distrust and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict and communicating.
We see countless examples of unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict in the news all the time: from domestic violence to alcohol and drug abuse, school bullying, legal battles like in divorce,and of course, the biggest conflict of all, WAR.
Speaking of war, have you ever heard of Victor Frankl?
Frankl was a Prisoner of War who survived the
Nazi concentration camp. He noticed that some people survived the camps much better than others…although they were exposed to similar horrifying experiences.
He noticed that what differentiated the survivors was their response to what happened. The external circumstances were similar for everyone, but the key to the survivors' strength lay in their response, in their inner state.
Frankl said "Between stimulus and response there is a space – in that space lies our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and freedom."
So how do you find that growth and freedom to deal with conflict more effectively?
One specific, simple thing you can do is stop and pause throughout the day whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Ask yourself, "How does this make me feel? What do I need? How might the other person feel? What might they need?"
Taking a moment to be aware of feelings and needs before communicating can help you be more effective,clear and direct.
Over the past 20 years, I have focused on becoming better at dealing with conflict and communicating more authentically.
After years of attending personal development courses, going to therapy, working through anorexia and bulimia, and reading many books and listening to CDs, I think I'm a bit better at handling conflict now. I should be!
Recently, I had the chance to see how well I could walk the talk. This past July, I visited my family in the States – I hadn't been to visit them for two years, and I went shopping with my mother.
As I was looking at a rack of trousers, my mom said to me "Oh Sally – you shouldn't wear pants with that flat bottom of yours – we all look terrible in pants – you should stick to skirts."
"And that new boyfriend of yours is a personal trainer" my mother continued, "can't he do something about 'that middle' of yours?"
On a roll now, she added,
"And aren't you uncomfortable when you run, honey? Have you ever considered breast reduction surgery?"
I felt a familiar feeling of shock – and went into that powerless, helpless, shamed little girl sort of moment. Then, all my years of training kicked in:
I stopped,paused, and asked myself,
"How do I feel? and What do I need?"
and I gathered the courage to say,
"Mom, when you made those comments about my body, I felt really hurt. I really want a sense of self-esteem and want to be valued, appreciated, and accepted just as I am.
Please NEVER say those things to me again."
And do you know what?
My Mom just listened and said "OK, I’ll never mention it again.” AND
I didn’t get my mouth washed out with soap.
So, in summary, when you have an uncomfortable situation come up, STOP, PAUSE, BREATHE, and ask yourself, 'How do I feel?' and 'What do I need?' When you're able to hear the message of your emotion, you can then communicate that feeling and the underlying need to another and create a more authentic relationship as a result. More importantly, you'll feel aligned inside and a sense of integrity. By speaking up directly, you'll begin the process of dissolving the conflict and connecting with yourself, and connecting with the other person as well...a much better result than having your mouth washed out with soap!
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