How happy are you in general with your friendships and other relationships?
If your answer is not 'VERY HAPPY', I suspect that you may have some challenges expressing how you feel and what you'd like from others.
Do you ever judge your feelings sometimes as 'unacceptable' or 'embarassing' and so don't communicate them as clearly and directly as you could?
Here is a simple process to better listen to your feelings and to better communicate with significant people in your life:
First of all, practice encouraging yourself to allow all your feelings to make themselves known to you so you can hear the important messages that those feelings are trying to tell you.
If you're not used to expressing your feelings, then start by building your emotional literacy through asking yourself the following question whenever you have a feeling come up:
'Which of 5 categories does THIS specific feeling fit into?'
MAD – SAD – BAD - GLAD or AFRAID
Or, "is this feeling a mixture of feelings? From which categories?"
After you find a word to describe your feeling, ask yourself,
"What is the message this feeling is telling me about what I want right now?"
Some examples might be:
Physical needs food, exercise, air, touch, water, rest, warmth
Security needs safety, protection, stability, boundaries
Interdependence needs community, family, affection, and trust
Self-esteem and integrity needs: respect, appreciation, acknowledgement, achievement, responsibility, authenticity
Personal fulfillment needs: freedom, autonomy, fun, play, celebration of accomplishments/ grieving losses
Spiritual needs: Beauty, order, connection with nature, harmony, inspiration
After you identify what it is you're wanting, ask yourself,
"Do I need to change what I'm doing or what I'm thinking to get what I want?"
For example, did you need to appreciate yourself more to get your need for acknowledgement met OR OR...did you need to apologise OR hang up the phone to get your need for respect met? Or, did you need to shift your attitude to be gentler on yourself and be easier with your expectations?
Let's look at some common examples of the messages of feelings:
1. FEAR says 'Get Prepared'.
2 ANGER says 'Something is NOT right!' A value you hold has been violated. You need to protect or restore something.
3.GUILT says "I didn’t uphold my own standards or my image of myself. I need to either change my standards or change what I'm doing to come in line with my values."
4. SHAME says "I'm angry at myself for violating my own standards or values. What do I need to put right?"
5. SADNESS says: "I have lost something. What do I need to let go of or what loss do I need to mourn?"
Once you've identified what it is you're feeling and what it is you want, then you will be better able to communicate clearly with another.
When a significant other has any difficult feelings arise in response to you expressing your own feelings and needs, always remember that his or her reaction is only an expression of his or her needs. If you hear anger or hurt as merely an expression of an unmet need, then you will be less likely to take any emotional reaction personally.
Realise that others' feelings are merely signs of their own needs. If you can assist them to get those needs met, then you can help them to find peace and happiness again.
I applaud you in your committment to more conscious relationships. Your own happiness and the happiness of those close to you will be greatly affected by your efforts.
If you'd like any assistance with this process, I offer
private communication coaching sessions. Contact me directly to inquire on 525 4008 or sally@sallymabelle.com
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