"If you can't say anything nice," she said, "don't say anything at all."
When I was angry, I soon learned to express myself in less direct ways. I was sometimes sneaky…I hid her favourite necklace in a little pink and white striped jar in the bathroom with the pink plastic roses in it…I secretly delighted in my revenge when I heard her yell out when she couldn’t find it.
“Where’s my necklace?!!” I gloated in silence.
When she started being 'nice' to me again, I put her necklace back in its place.
These patterns of unhealthy expression of our feelings start early in life…our conditioning stays with us unless we make conscious efforts to change it.
Have you ever held in your feelings?
Have you ever held them in so long you felt sick?
Have you ever talked negatively about someone behind their back because you didn’t have the courage to speak to them directly?
Have you ever felt no one was listening to you?
Have you ever overreacted and then later regretted it?
If you’re like me...and like most people, you answered yes to those questions.
And because most if not all of us have answered yes to those questions,
I believe 'Communication' is one of the most important topics we could talk about.
The quality of our communication deeply affects our lives on many levels: our self-esteem, our relationships, our career success, and ultimately, our own health and well-being as well as the well-being of everyone else around us.
Most of us did not grow up with positive role models who demonstrated to us conscious, responsible, heartfelt communication – Now, as adults, we have the opportunity to honestly admit our inadequacy,not out of shame, but out of the honest acknowledgement that we simply did not learn how to express ourselves well. We don’t blame our parents or teachers since they also did not know how to express themselves well and they weren’t taught either.
But we can be the ones to change the pattern of generations.
As we evolve in consciousness, we are wise to seek new and better ways to resolve conflicts, share, and connect with one another.
My intention in this article is to share a simple 5-step process you can use to speak up more clearly and directly without offending others.
I like to remember the process with a mnemonic or memory-enhancing phrase...
Beware or Feelings Will Really Rule!...BFWRR
B stands for Behaviour
F stands for Feeling
W stands for Wants
R stands for Request
R stands for Results
Let’s walk through a couple examples.
The first example is when someone is interrupting you over and over again when you’re trying to get something done.
Step 1: B - The first step is to notice the Behaviour that is triggering an uncomfortable feeling inside you. Share your observation about that behaviour, with the other person. It’s an objective statement that is factual – no evaluation or interpretation added.
“I notice that you’ve asked me several questions over the past few minutes.”
Step 2: F Express the Feeling that is triggered in you in response to that behaviour:
For example, “When you are asking me the question, I feel irritated” (notice, no blame…just owning the feelings that are triggered)
Step 3: W State your Want
For example, “I’m really wanting to get this report done as my deadline is tonight, and I’m also wanting to help you out with what you need.
Step 4: R Make a specific Request
For example, “Will you sit down with me tonight after dinner to discuss your questions then?”
Step 5: R Communicate the positive Result you anticipate if the person grants your request.
For example, “I think we’ll both be happier because I can then give you my undivided attention and I’ll finished my report then.”
By using this process, you are more apt to get a positive response and get your needs met than if you either
a…blew up at the person in frustration or
b…held in your anger and felt resentful
Ex. 2:Phone calls not returned:
Step 1: B - Behaviour - notice and acknowledge the behaviour of someone that is triggering you …this is FACT, not judgment or opinion.
For Example: I notice you didn’t return my call
Step 2: F - Feeling –Notice and name the feeling that is present for you and communicate that.
For example, When you didn’t return my call, I felt insecure and lonely
Step 3: W- Want - Identify your want or need and express what it is to the other person
For Example: I really want a sense of connection and mutual support
Step 4: R - Request - Make a request of the other person.
For example: Would you be willing to respond to my calls more quickly in the future?
Step 5: R- Result Communicate the positive result you anticipate if the person grants your request. For example, ‘If you return my calls more quickly, I would feel much more connected to you and feel more of a sense of belonging and teamwork.
So, I encourage you to practice this 5-step process until it becomes second nature.
It may feel awkward at first since none of us were really taught this stuff at home or at school, so be gentle with yourself. Practice makes perfect.
I wish you success with all your current and future relationships.
May you find the courage to express your authentic self and create the kind of connection with others we all want in life.
I invite you to consider yourself a leader in a movement of conscious communication.
If we all practice more awareness when we communicate, we can all begin to transform our world, bit by bit... one conversation at a time.
<< Articles index < The Grass IS Greener where YOU are! | The Courage to Voice Yourself: ( One Person’s Radical Transformation Story) >
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